Sunday, June 2, 2013

What needs to change?

saying that my thoughts are jumbled tonight is an understatement, so i apologize ahead of time 

Tonight I find myself asking this question. Realizing that something has to change because I'm headed down the wrong path again.

This month, I was reading through Nehemiah with SheReadsTruth. And just like a lot of other places in the Old Testament, we see the Israelites fail and recommit and then fail again. It would be so easy to point fingers. To act like I don't understand. To pretend like that is an Old Testament problem and not something I'm very much struggling with today in the here and now.

But that's not true. Although I'm not breaking covenant law with God and I have the grace of Jesus, there are certain things God has revealed to me about myself throughout the course of my life that I am downright ignoring. Because of that, I am finding myself burnt out, snippy and tired. I always try to just sleep more when I get like this, but the fact is the physical tiredness isn't the problem. I feel another kind of tiredness from the busyness and pressure I put on myself to do all the things.

I've never tried to make it a secret that I struggle with depression. It's hard to even type that without feeling like a failure, but if I don't face it and name it and speak power over it, it begins to take over. And if I ignore the things God has taught me, it doesn't matter how hard I think I'm fighting the depression, I lose.

So sometimes I have to take a step back. Re-examine things and see where my choices are taking me. Ask myself what someone looking at me from the outside thinks about my priorities. Ask myself what my kids think about the choices I'm making. Ask myself if I make my husband feel important or like an afterthought.

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