Thursday, August 15, 2013

All the things

this post is all over the place. i would apologize, but really i'm just proud of myself for posting, so i won't.

The past two weeks, I have felt like a glorified cattle prodder and taxicab. We have rushed from one thing to another to another, and I can't remember the last time we were at home that my kids were awake that we weren't eating (this might be slightly exaggerated, because my memory is horrible- but suffice it to say, we've been busy). The sad thing is, I don't even know exactly what we've been doing. But somehow swim lessons 3x a week and the normal grocery shopping and Target trips have been combined with errands and attempts to socialize to become 3 very burnt out and grumpy girls in this house.

It's taking more and more work to get the girls out of the house. "But mama, I'm playing." And then when we come home and I need to cook dinner and need them to play "mama, I want you to hug me." Hugs are good, but at the end of a day where I barely sat down, I need my body to belong to me so that I can cook something.

So today? We're not going anywhere. We're not getting out of pajamas. We're cleaning the playroom so that we can walk in there again and we're going to play. And chill. And probably watch too much TV. I struggle with days like this. I try to pick one day a week that we don't go anywhere and while that sounds relaxing and wonderful, it actually stresses me out. Jade and Piper don't play very well together if they're not supervised. My days spent at home are spent breaking up fights, kissing boo boos from being pushed and bit, trying to find activities to keep them both busy and wanting to curl up into a ball and hide from my children. But I'm actually excited for today. We all need this. The girls are tired. I'm tired. And sometimes you just need to wear PJs.

Being excited for a day at home has me praying and searching and asking God if I'm doing too much. I feel like I shouldn't be this burnt out. There are constantly 5,000 things running through my mind. If I sit on the couch during nap time, I think about all the things I should be doing and feel incredibly guilty, making my supposed relaxing time anything but.

The floors need to be mopped.
The bathroom has dirty clothes all over the floor.
There's a load of clothes in the dryer that need to be folded.
The couch is covered in dog hair.
I need to move the highchair to the attic.
I really should walk the dogs more.
I need to clean the window on the back door.
Do we have enough money to buy flowers? We need flowers. Ours died.
Clutter is piling in the kitchen again.
Why haven't I hung curtains? This looks like a frat house.
I need to get rid of some toys. Too many toys.
I need to take Jade to the dentist.
Where is Piper's birthday party going to be?

Ok I'm done. But I could go on all day. My brain never stops. At some point, I make a point to turn it off, but generally I just go to bed then. So am I striving for too much? Do I need to lower my housecleaning standards, again? Do I need to give up on ever owning a home that's nicely decorated since my talents seem to lie elsewhere (don't ask me where my talents are, I just know they don't involve decorating). Or do I just need to rely on Him more fully. Let things slide sometimes and reign them in at other times.

So I stop. And breathe. And tell myself this is only a season. And play another round of Candy Land on my floor covered in dog hair and remind myself Candy Land is more important. One day at a time. I pray for guidance with the little things. The day to day. God cares about everything, but He doesn't want me to do everything. So I set boundaries. I protect our "stay at home day" fiercely. I remind myself that I am only one person.

1 comment:

Kristin Roberts said...

At church for mothers day and fathers day they made a cute little video of the little kids at the church answering various questions about their mom or dad. The fathers day one had a lot of kids saying similar things like, "my dad is a superhero!" or "My dad plays with me" or "my dad makes funny faces and wrestles with me" etc...

The mom one was sweet too but I noticed the comments were usually stuff like "my mom cooks good food" "my mom cleans the house" .. kind of chore-related.

It made me think two things. On the one hand it made me kind of mad because it's like "come on! Moms do so much hard work around the house, grow the baby inside them, deliver the baby, nurse the baby, and basically keeps the entire house running, and the dads are the ones getting all the credit for being awesome and fun" but on the other hand those videos were kind of a learning experience for me. The kids can't help that that's the point of view they have. And in some ways it's a typical mary/martha scenario ya know? So I'm trying SO hard to have a sense of humor about all the ways my life is a mess (sometimes literally), and I'm trying to allow God to free me from the addiction of productivity. I have to pray everyday all day about it. That running mental list you wrote is SO similar to mine, (and then I have a separate one for when I'm at work trying to measure up).

I want Joey to remember moments with me that are simple, unhurried, fun, and special. I hope his image of me isn't "the stressed out lady I call mom who is always busy getting something done and seems frazzled."

How I spend my days ends up being how i spent my life. Fred Liggin said that once and it was like, "whoa, he's right."

All that to say I 100% relate, and I have the same struggles daily, so you are not alone, but we can't allow each other to stay in that struggle! I love you!