Friday, October 15, 2010

Some brutal honesty

I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids. Chuck said 3 was good, so I figured we'd have at least 3 kids and we wanted them fairly close together since Chuck is already 34.

Now, I have no idea. Not because I don't love being a mom and don't love Jade but because there are times that I feel like an absolutely horrible mother and I worry constantly about how my decisions are going to effect (or is it affect? Heck, I don't care) her. I don't know if she's a crappy sleeper because of something I'm doing or because it's just who she is, but facts are facts: she's a crappy sleeper and I struggle daily over how to deal with that (ie, survive).

Chuck says that I read too much, and maybe he's right. But that's how I handle things, ya know? The books give me hope. But I'm tired, and I feel the depression creeping back in and with that comes worry and anxiety. So can I handle this 3 more times? I doubt it.


Anna said...

You're doing fine--and Jade is definitely doing fine--growing, happy and developing such a little personality. Try to quit second guessing everything. As I have said, first babies are our little guinea pigs--and they survive and thrive in spite of our inexperience. Sit back and try to relax a bit and let her develop a way to get her self to sleep. Love you--you are doing a good job.


Kristin Roberts said...

First I want to validate you, because even though I'm not a mom yet I think I can totally imagine all of that. Give me a few years and I'll be in the same position you are in and you'll be giving me wisdom :) Heck, I even cried a few nights about how I was a bad mommy to my dog... so yeah I can totally understand that. I also think it's probably VERY normal, especially with the first. I think most everyone remembers feeling like they have no clue at first. At least that's what I hear.

I haven't really earned the right to give actual advice in this situation yet, but as your friend I will tell you at least these things:

First - You are doing an amazing job! Coming from a friend perspective, I am amazed by you. I think you are such a great mom and I have tons of respect for you. Even coming from a school employee perspective, I love you as a parent! You care and understand the responsibility, but you're also willing to learn and do what's best. You also understand loving and nurturing your kid, and giving her support and stability. JUST that in itself is sooo great! Seriously.

Second - Your happiness and self care (i mean, you focusing on YOU sometimes to work on anxiety issues, etc, or to just unwind) is very very helpful to Jade! So even if you're not directly doing something to help her, if you are doing something to make YOU happy, it's so good for her!

And I think I sort of agree with Chuck - the books and articles and message boards etc, can be a great way of learning and getting support, but the endless information available can make us crazy. Trust your God-given wisdom :)
I love you!

Emily said...

Oh how I wish I lived closer and I could give you a hug! I think that it's actually the toughest with the first child because you are always second guessing yourself. She is not a crappy sleeper due to anything you are doing or not doing! Some babies just don't sleep as well. As for the reading, it depends on what you are reading! Try not to read things that make you feel like you are doing something wrong. Do what you know in your heart is right. I know that you believe co-sleeping is what works for Jade, don't second guess yourself! It's definitely ok to try new things, but don't do it because you doubt yourself as a mom, do it because maybe it would work better for Jade...I hope that makes sense! I can tell you are a great mom, and that lack of sleep is such a killer. I can always tell when my sleep is affected because those depression feelings creep back in quicker than anything!
I will keep you in my prayers! I hope she figures out the sleep thing for you! I don't know if this is helpful to you or not, but I do know other mom's in your situation and nothing they did helped. Eventually their kids just figured it out. Neika (my oldest) wouldn't sleep on her back. I didn't know about swaddling at the time, so I actually had to put her on her tummy to get her to sleep more than an hour at a time. That was the only thing that worked for her.

Jessica said...

I know we already talked about this, but I am terrible about checking in on your blog and I wanted to respond. :) I honestly think you could handle as many as kids as God gave you- you are an incredibly strong woman who, much like myself, second guesses herself and drives herself insane worrying about her kid and what you may or may not be doing right. Every kid is different-we are alwyas saying that just between the diffeence of Caleb and Jade. There is no reason to believe that Jade's problems with sleeping have anything to do with you-she is a busy minded girl :). I totally support you whatever you decide is best for you and your sanity-just keep in mind that you are an amazing mom despite your desire to give up occassionally. You are only human, even mom's aren't perfect although we may wish they were. I love you and you know that Jade loves you. Just give it some time. :)
Oh and the reading thing-just keep taking it all with a grain of salt and remember that they are only perspectives, not written in stone absolutes. Only you and Chuck can know what is best for Jade-God gave her only two parents-not 200. :) However, I love reading too :)