Sometimes, I sit down to write and it just flows. Today was not one of those days, but I refused to have another day without a new post. So, my friends, I'm sorry, but you're just gonna have to deal :)
I won't lie, sometimes I feel lonely. Moving has its advantages, but making super-close friends isn't one of them. I have no problems finding people to do things with, but finding people that I am really able to completely open myself up to is a different story. I don't know if it's me being too reserved (me? reserved? right) or my tendency to talk A LOT about RANDOM CRAP when I meet new people that hinders relationships. Back in college, I had several (ok, like 8... or 9) people tell me that I intimidated them. This baffles me completely because I have no idea what about myself intimidates people, but whatever. In Alaska, I tended to be more reserved until I found my "token" civilian friend that I did truly open up to.
Honestly, I'm generally afraid that people can't handle me. I'm a tough pill. Chuck frequently refers to me as "his little conundrum". The depression? People don't get that. That I'm better, but still have bad days sometimes. That I can be very social, but I rarely like crowds. That I treasure my time to myself, but also desperately need to get out of the house and see people. And then I write things like this and think "that can't be that weird". I sometimes think that I just think that I'm weird and I'm really not, but I want to feel special so I keep saying that I am. Got that?
I find that most people keep a veil around their lives, and even though I would love to take mine down, I need someone else to do it first. Maybe they need me to do it first. But I never quite get there... just when I'm about to open up, I close down again for one reason or another and the relationship never reaches the level that it could. I open up so much more easily on paper, but writing notes isn't as cool now as it was in middle school.
But these girls?
Well, it's just different. We've known each other forever. And despite the fact that only two of us still live in the town we grew up in, we've not only managed to keep in touch, but to deepen our friendship. I half want to go through and tell you why each one of them is so awesome, but I really don't think anyone cares. But I will say this- even though I sometimes feel lonely... because of the distance and such, I know that I am never alone in my struggles. That I have prayer warriors knocking on the door of Heaven with me and even for me when I'm too weary to knock on that door myself.
We had such a sweet visit while they were in town and an amazing time of fellowship and prayer where we truly opened up, bared souls and lifted needs to our Father. So even though moving to Oklahoma is a bit scary, I know that my girls in Georgia (and Tennessee!) will always be there for me. We always make it a priority to be there for each other (like driving 12 hours to meet a new baby, for instance) and I know that each of them is just a phone call away.
And I went off on some tangents there, but I'm gonna hit publish anyways. It'll just have to be ok...