Is it really just Wednesday? Honestly, the way this week is going I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me it was April already.
If I was fair, it hasn't been a horrible week. I've been able to run some errands without anyone dying, the weather has been magnificent (other than this morning!) and Chuck's been home at a decent time every day. But for some reason, I am just in a funk. I don't know if it's the upcoming move, the severe sleep deprivation, the defiant toddler, or a combination of the three. Ok, it's a combination of the three.
Some days, I find myself staring at Jade saying "where in the world did my sweet baby go?". Luckily, we are mostly past the hitting phase, but the absolute refusal to do anything I ask is getting old. I bribe her into getting in the car by telling her that we're going to see her friend Abigail. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get her in the car in Oklahoma, since I doubt Abigail's parents are up for moving across the country for my convenience. Maybe if I wasn't so tired, I would have more patience. Or if Piper wasn't normally screaming because she's hungry or something while I'm attempting to be patient with Jade. Either way, I'm having a very hard time handling the tantrums when I honestly feel like having a tantrum myself.
There's nothing like being a mother to help you identify your own weaknesses. I have always had a difficult time controlling my anger. Writing and running have always been my outlets. I'm trying to continue to do those things, but making it to the gym is difficult and Piper is still too little to run with. I rarely make time to really journal anymore, so most of my writing is here, which is why you guys are reading rants that perhaps I should just keep to myself.
Anyways, it's just very difficult to teach your toddler how to handle their anger when you aren't that great at controlling your own anger. I've put myself in time out today, but I think I need about a 2-day long time out to really recover my sanity.
I had a picture in my mind of how I would be as a mom. I am not living up to that image. Does anyone ever live up to those pictures in their heads? I'm supposed to be patient. And loving. Modeling good behavior. Clean. Preparing healthy meals. There's supposed to be structured learning time. Sigh. Maybe when they're 5 and 6 and someone else is handling them the majority of the day, I'll have the ability to be the mom that I want to be.
Until then, I'll just pray for God's grace to cover my weaknesses. That, despite all of my flaws, they'll grow up to be well-adjusted adults and not be sitting in therapy talking about how often I messed up. My goodness, what would I do without His grace? How anyone parents without relying on Him is beyond me.