In one episode, Lorelai, the main character (and yes that is where Piper's middle name comes from- awesome name, awesome show- you can't go wrong) is about to have the trial run of her inn. She has been dreaming for years and years of opening her own inn, but of course on the day it's about to happen she's nervous and scared. In the moments before the guests arrive, she looks at her daughter (also named Lorelai, nicknamed Rory) and says, "I've changed my mind. I wanna be a ballerina."
The other day, I said these words regarding my own life. I'm sure I was in the middle of a crying baby and fit-throwing toddler or something along those lines. I texted them to my friend Jessica, who is perhaps the only person that would get the quote without any prompting and then repeated them to Chuck later, who definitely did not get it without any prompting (despite my best efforts, Chuck has no desire to watch Gilmore over and over). In the moment, it was supposed to be something funny. I was in a moment of "oh my goodness, I would like to run away now" and saying "I want to be a ballerina" made me laugh. Not only is the actual image of me being a ballerina hilarious, but the thought of me quitting is hilarious. Moms don't get to quit.
Yesterday, I read a blog post (that I cannot find again despite searching for the last 15 minutes) about a mom at a birthday party exclaiming that they didn't want to be their kids parent anymore. The dad writing the post was horrified, but no one else seemed to be, which horrified him even more. The thing that struck me about the comment was that it was said within earshot of kids. I'm not sure if the particular kid was within earshot, but does it really matter? At a kid's birthday party, I can assume that the kids that were within earshot would know the child in question and that the comment might get back to them.
Now call me crazy, but despite having those moments, I would never say anything like that around my kids. Only... I did.
Granted, my ballerina comment is on the opposite end of the spectrum than "I don't want to be my kid's mom anymore". But they are on the same spectrum. And that's not good. Words have power, and while I will not deny myself the freakout moments that keep me as sane as possible, I need to watch what I say in front of my kids. I used to wonder how much Jade was comprehending. Those doubts have been dispelled in the past couple months. Not only does she know words that I have no recollection of saying, much less teaching her, but she copies my mannerisms and phrases unceasingly. She might stare at me with a blank face, but she gets it. That little brain of hers is constantly working and learning.
My kids might grow up saying that they were raised in a slightly dysfunctional house by a slightly dysfunctional mother, but I never want them to say that they were unwanted. I never want them to feel unwanted. While having two babies at the same time was never my dream, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my girls more than I love my life, tantrums and poop and all. And I want them to know that. I want them to know, without a doubt, that they are valued and treasured and loved. That they are a blessing in my life unlike any other.
I would never claim to be able to love my kids like God loves us, but that's the goal, right? I know that no matter how ugly and crappy and selfishly I'm acting, that God loves me. That He sees beyond the mess into my heart and loves me so much, even in that crappy moment, the He sent His Son to save me. I want my kids to know, that even when they're acting in a crappy, ugly way, that I love them. That I treasure them.
Words are powerful. I want to speak life into my family and our home. I want my kids to remember scripture being prayed over them, not me screaming that "I'm over it". I want to remember that words can shape attitudes, and remain positive even on the worst of days. I want to say happy things until I am happy. I want to remember the power of words and use that power to uplift my family and those around me. I will never be the perfect mother that I had an image of in my head, but I can sure as heck try to always be a positive mother. A Godly mother. A welcoming mother. Some days I will fail. But life's all in the journey, no?