"I have learned the secret to be content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12
The last few weeks, God's been showing me a lot of things in my heart that aren't very pretty. A big one that's been in the spotlight is my discontentment. If I'm at home too much, I go stir crazy. When I go out with both kids, I wind up stressed and frustrated. When I run, I feel guilty. When I don't run, I feel lazy (and a little crazy). I'm angry that I can't just go out and buy a new computer because mine no longer really meets my "needs". I need a haircut, but I don't have a babysitter to watch the kids so that I can go get one. The list goes on and on.
One of my biggest issues currently is my wardrobe. It's no secret that pregnancy is not easy on the body. Or that before I got pregnant, I was in the Air Force. So a lot of my civilian clothes (which, you know, is all I wear now) are from college. Or even before. I graduated from college 6 years ago. I bought some clothes in Alaska, but not many everyday type things. I bought hiking clothes, running clothes, and stuff to wear to church. Too bad I don't go hiking too much these days and my church clothes no longer fit because my body has changed so much. I have 8 pairs of jeans in 4 different sizes, but my only pair of "regular" (ie: not skinny or dressy) jeans that currently fit have huge holes in the knees now from wearing them so much. I told Chuck yesterday that I either need to lose 5 more pounds or gain about 10, because then I would have some clothes to wear.
I was getting so angry trying to get ready for church yesterday. So, so angry. I changed clothes no less than 7 times and I was griping that I can't just go shopping. That even though we have money for me to go and buy a few things, it is so hard to find something that fits that I need a large chunk of time to do it and I never have a large chunk of time to myself. Then I was getting mad that I don't have someone that can watch the girls. And thinking of the people I know that live close to family and have no idea how lucky they are that they have people that they trust to watch their kids (normally for free!) whenever they want.
Honestly, I was grumpy for a while. On the way to church (in my dress and Converse tennis shoes...), dropping the girls off in the nursery, and while the service was starting. The worship band was starting to play and I was standing there sipping my coffee looking around at how nicely everyone else was dressed. At how everyone in this town can afford $200 boots and how they obviously had unlimited time to get ready because their hair and makeup was perfect and blah blah blah.
And then God said "woah". As in "woah, Erin, your heart looks dirty and nasty and you're supposed to be worshiping the God of the universe". And I realized that I was singing along with the worship band. Don't even know what I was singing, but I was singing as I was looking around jealous of everyone around me. And there is something very, very wrong with that. So I prayed, over and over again, that I would be able to focus on what's really important. On the worship of the Lord, not the worship of the world.
I would love to say that my heart was immediately transformed and that I no longer want a new pair of boots or jeans without holes or a haircut. But that's not the case. I am not nearly as awesome as Paul. I am not content no matter the situation. But I'm more aware that I need to be. Trying to focus on all of my blessings and not my wants. Trying to recognize that many of the things that I think I need are just wants.
So I'm going to try to focus on being thankful for what I have and stop griping about what I don't. Try to be content no matter the situation and circumstances I am in. And hopefully I'll start living and acting like the blessed person that I am.