"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
I really feel like that's what God's asking of me right now. Some days it's going ok, and some days it's... not. Last week, Chuck was home (yay!) and it was still a crazy, exhausting week that had me on my knees crying more than I would like to admit. Piper has been sick and grumpy, Jade has been not napping and grumpy and defiant (wonderful combination), and I've been trying to stay home?? I mean really, is this perfect timing? No. It's not.
One day last week, I was on the floor in my closet crying out to God that he was asking too much of me. If he wants me to slow down and reflect on Him more, couldn't He at least get my kids to stop NEEDING so much. I mean geez. And obviously now it seems ridiculous to even say that, but when you're trying to breastfeed a crying, sick baby and help your two-year-old wipe after going potty at the same time, it doesn't seem that ridiculous.
Sunday night was particularly bad. Jade woke up at 6 am that day and still didn't nap. By dinner time, she was a disaster. A disaster I tell you. She declared that she didn't want her dinner (no surprise there, pretty sure the kid eats dinner about one night a week). I said "ok, but you still have to sit here while everyone else eats". I'm not gonna force my kid to eat, but she is going to know that dinnertime does not equal playtime. Well she lost it. I told her that if she tried to get down one more time, she would be going to bed. She got down. Commence screaming for the next hour and a half.
An hour in, I went to Panera. Chuck could handle her from then on out and if I didn't leave, I was liable to kill someone. And let me tell you, there is nothing that will make you feel desperate if it's not sitting at Panera crying over your coffee and journal. I only got a few "what's her problem" looks from college students.
But ya know what? I think that's God's point with all of this. He wants me to be desperate. To not be able to take another step without asking for His help. To always remember that He is in charge and that even being at home with two "difficult" children is a blessing that I should be thankful for. It's a major paradigm shift in my thought process. I mean, of course I know that my kids are a blessing, but do I always act like that? Do they always feel like they are a blessing in my life? Probably not.
So this post doesn't have any nice conclusion. But that's life. I'm still in the trenches of all this. Still trying to figure out what God's trying to teach me and move forward in His will.