Monday, January 2, 2012

I do still exist

I know that I've been beyond MIA lately. I'm not going to give any empty promises about how I'm going to start blogging every day or anything like that. But I am going to say that I miss it. I miss writing and I miss feeling like people know anything about my life.

I remember the first few months of Jade's life, I felt so alone. Getting out of the house was a huge challenge, so it didn't happen much. Chuck worked all the time and didn't understand my need to just talk to another human being that could actually talk back. So the loneliness hit hard.

I naively thought that it would be different this time. But even with the business of the holiday season, the luxury of having family in town and being able to get out of the house, and the experience of having done this before, I'm still struggling. Sleep deprivation combined with my tendency to question EVERYTHING I do has caused depression to begin to creep back in. Tears are flowing more frequently than I would care to admit and I've spent a lot of time lately feeling sorry for myself and questioning my abilities to function.

That should explain my silence. I have no desire to boo hoo my problems all over the internet. However, today I finally recognized that this might be more of a problem than I thought it was, and started remembering things counselors have told me in the past. Coping skills, healthy eating, etc etc etc. And one of my coping skills has always been writing. So I'm going to do the best I can to keep at this. It might not be the best blog out there, but that's never been my goal. It might get uncomfortable with my bluntness, but I'm not one to sugar coat things.

Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll get my Christmas post out there. We really did have a great Christmas and I want to share all of that with you guys. But for now, both my babies are asleep, so I'm going to curl up with my Chuck on the couch and watch a movie (or fall asleep... but what's the difference)?

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