Letter to Jade, 3 years old

Miss Jade,

My goodness. Three. I don't know why, but I can barely believe it. You have started acting three and form an objective standpoint, I can totally believe that you're three. But as your mama? It seems like just yesterday that I was bringing you home from the hospital. It's so surreal.

You are so much fun these days. You are still sweet and shy, and love to read. I suppose in those ways you haven't really changed. But you are starting to recognize some words in your books and when I told you I was gonna (try) to teach you how to write your name this summer you got beyond excited. You love to learn.

I am still amazed by how much I love you. I never understood it until I was a mom, and sometimes it still takes my breath away.

I want all the best for you. I want you to grow up to be a woman of God. To find fulfillment doing whatever it is He calls you to do. Have a family, don't have a family, get rich, live in a shack- I don't care. Just follow His calling for your life and you will have joy sweet girl. That's what mama wants for you. Contentment in your purpose.

This year has been a year of change for you- we moved, uprooting you from the only place you'd ever known. Like I expected, you did amazingly well. You still ask for your friends from there every now and then, but you've made new friends here and are doing extremely well.

Most of the time, you love gymnastics. I'm pretty sure we're gonna sign you up for a dance/gym combo class this summer and see what you gravitate towards more. You're still a really cautious kid and I'm just not sure if gymnastics is the right place. It has served it's purpose though- you have broken out of your comfort zone some and I've been so proud of you.

You still love being a big sister, but I think it's hard for you sometimes too. Just like any person, you want attention and sometimes it's hard to wait for your turn with mama. It's teaching you a lot though- I am so glad that you are growing up with a sister and am still waiting for that magic time that y'all start playing together :) Piper still just adores you and you still love to sing to her to help her to feel better.

You love Minnie Mouse, Cinderella and Doc McStuffins. You have finally started asking for Doc McStuffins over Mickey sometimes which I am so grateful for. Something finally beats Mickey!! Although I do sometimes wish it wasn't Doc because she has a tendency to make you a hypochondriac!

Love you to the moon and back Miss Jade. I'm so proud to be your mama.

-Mama

Convictions

I'm convinced that we are all so busy trying to preserve our little worlds that we miss out on great opportunities. That we are trying so hard to stay above water that we keep our eyes on ourself and ourself alone for fear of screwing up our world.

I've been better lately about looking above. Seeking Him for what He wants for my life, even in the day to day circumstances. Realizing that He not only cares about the smaller things in my life, but that He desires me to seek Him and talk to Him about those things has been a game changer for me.

But this morning, again, God pointed out that I don't need to just be looking to Him, I need to be looking around me. I need to see other people's needs. I need to show them that I care about them. I need to stop running through my list of things to do constantly and instead pray over the needs of my friends. I need to be showing my kids that my world doesn't always revolve around them and their needs- that sometimes we need to take care of other people.

It's easy to make excuses. My favorite one is "I have young kids". Don't get me wrong, this is frequently a very valid excuse for things. I have called a couple organizations around Oklahoma that I thought about volunteering with and asked if I could bring my kids and was told "no" from both of them. I got so frustrated- venting to Chuck that I feel God calling me to help people and offer my skills to people, yet knowing He gave me these kids at this time for a reason and not knowing how to reconcile the two things. I keep telling myself that this is just for a season, but I couldn't help longing for something to change.

This morning I was doing my devotion, and it was on intercessory prayer. And God could not have gotten His point across more clearly if He had sat down at the table with me and said the words Himself. Ok, maybe that would have been more effective but you get the idea.

"Erin, stop thinking about yourself all the time. When you tell people you're going to pray for them, actually do it. Allow yourself to cry for others. To mourn for others. Allow your heart to be broken even when it's inconvenient."

We don't have to volunteer at a women's shelter or crisis pregnancy center to make a difference. We can make a difference by smiling at the frazzled mom at the grocery store. By allowing ourselves to really notice the people around us and think about their needs. By really listening to your friends and not just waiting for your opportunity to talk. By spending our time driving praying for others instead of thinking about what we need to do when we get home. By realizing that frequently our problems are simply distractions from what really matters.

I've been so convicted of this recently. Realizing how much I talk instead of listen. Getting home from playdates and not being able to recount a single mom's name. Inviting people over and not even offering them something to drink. Walk by another mom in the store dealing with a toddler tantrum without so much as a glance.

I pray that God will help me to open my eyes and realize that even in this season, I can help people. I can be there for people and serve people even while my life is being run by nap schedules. I can look outside my own little world and see the big picture. By asking God to show me what He sees.Convic

Brain? Where are you?

Before having kids, I was a pretty organized, on top of things individual. I'm not saying my house was always spotless or I didn't have to write things down, but I remembered things. I got places on time. If someone asked me to do something and I couldn't write it down immediately, I remembered it until I got to a place where I could.

Now? Not so much. I'm seriously amazed at some of the stupid things I do and it's even more amazing to me that there are moms that are uber successful in the workplace. Before I had kids, I was impressed by them, but now I want to beg them for their secrets. Without to do lists, I am a disaster. Something not on the calendar? I won't be there.

It's pretty pathetic, really. I hope that when my kids get older and I'm not longer breastfeeding or pregnant, some of my brain power will come back to me, but I don't know. It's been a while now so I think it might just be gone.

So I'm trying to adapt. Get used to the feeling of being spastic. It's especially bad in social situations, because that's where I'm most uncomfortable. Put me in front of people when I don't feel 100% prepared and I start rambling and sounding like a 13-year old. It's lovely.

But this morning in my devotional (if you're looking for something to do, check out SheReadsTruth- it's awesome), she talks about the blessing Christ has given us. That He has taken our burdens and given us blessings. We read Psalm 127, which says "unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain".

Read it before? Me too. But today it hit me between the eyes. I rarely get a break during the day. I make breakfast, clean up breakfast (often while wearing a fussy baby), get 3 people ready for the day, go out somewhere, come home and make lunch, clean up lunch, put two kiddos down for a nap, do laundry, vacuum, etc etc etc. And all of those things are important. One of my goals for my kids is that when they're teenagers they can have friends over without asking me first. That they can call on their way home from somewhere and say "hey mom, we'll be there in 5 minutes" and I will say "ok" and not freak out on them because the house is a mess and I don't want anyone to see it. But I'm realizing more and more that achieving that goal has far more to do with my mindset than my productivity.

When I think of what I want in a home, I want a peaceful (as peaceful as you can get with kids anyways) place that makes people feel like they're at home. Comfortable. I don't think "spotless" or "perfectly decorated" because that's not something I'll ever achieve. So this is something I'm working on- being a good hostess, and helping people feel comfortable in my home.

But I realized this morning that all of my Pinterest projects can't make that happen. Only God can. And if I'm just toiling and toiling away to have a "welcoming" home, I'm gonna feel spastic and spent all the time and my home will be anything but welcoming. Another verse in Psalm 127 says that He grants sleep to those He loves. Isn't that amazing? Of course, it doesn't say how much sleep and my dream of 9 hours a night and a nap in the afternoon probably isn't gonna happen (I really like sleep), but He doesn't want us to stay up all night working on things that don't matter. Things that will make no impact on the Kingdom. Things of Earthly value instead of eternal value.

So despite the fact that my brain is missing, I can live like a blessed, rested person. Because God cares about me that much. "He has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ."

Sometimes

the pictures in this post have nothing to do with the post because I'm awesome like that

Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. The good guys lose and the bad guys win. Yesterday I got some news from a friend and I just hung my head and cried for her. And then yelled. I'm a yeller. Sad, mad, happy, whatever- I yell. So I yelled and I cried and I yelled and cried some more and here I am, a day later, yelled and cried out and still not sure what the next step is.

If I ever lose my phone, I know who has it.

Lately, I've started trying to be more intentional with my days. If I stay at home and don't have any activities, goals, or whatever planned for the day I wind up kind of wandering and lost. I'm not to the point yet of making a schedule of each day, but I do think through our days and try to think of ways to incorporate "lessons" if you will.

Playing outside on a nice day

One of the things that this has helped me to realize is that I'm not always intentional with my kids. Sure, I feed them, bathe them, dress them, drive them places. I play with them, I teach Jade things. But when I think "what do I want them to look like as adults and what am I doing now to ensure that end result happens?" I'm kind of stumped. It's such a BIG thing that it seems impossible and overwhelming.

Kid cracks me up

So I've started to make a list of character traits I want them to have. I haven't really gotten to the point where I know what I need to do to make that happen, but I figure this is a start. One of the biggest things I've come up with (after faith and just all-around responsibility) is that I want them to know how to be a friend.

At a friend's birthday party

One of the reasons this is a big deal to me is that I have *amazing* friends that will do anything for me. And just like I strive to be a friend like that, I want my girls to be friends like that too. To take note of someone's favorite coffee drink or Chick-fil-A order and surprise them one day. To go out of your way to show someone that they're important to you. To make other people feel special.

Riding backwards

So right now, I'm trying to make sense of things that don't make sense and having to hand over that concern and anger to God over and over again. And I'm trying to be a good friend. Because while I can't fix her pain, I can show her that she matters. And I can show my girls how to do the same. And pray every day that they grow up to have amazing friends like I do and that they will know how to be a friend as well.

Teaching your kids the Word

Growing up, I didn't really memorize scripture. There are plenty of verses that I can finish for you if you start them, but if you just give me the reference, I generally won't know it.

This is something I am not proud of and am trying to fix. But I have realized that it's incredibly hard for me to remember new things. I truly wish I had a delete button for my brain- I know many things I don't need to know and can't remember new things I want to know!

But one of the things that I have learned since having kids is that their brains are like sponges. I am *amazed* at some of the things that Jade remembers. So I realized I needed to get to "work" on her scripture memorization. I want His Word to be the thing that she can't delete from her brain!

I can't remember what blog referred me to Truthcards, but I am so grateful. I bought them almost a year ago but didn't really do anything with them until last month. So far, Jade has learned three verses and she's gonna pick out a new one today. 

It's such a simple concept- they just have a picture on the front, along with one word, and the verse on the back. So far, Jade's picked out all of her verses by flipping through the cards and picking the picture she likes. She's learned the "butterfly verse", "share verse" and the "snowman verse". These aren't necessarily the verses I would have chosen for her to learn, but she picks them and she's happy, so I'm happy!

All I do is read the verses to her while we're at the table eating. So far, she won't practice with me at all- she just wants me to read it over and over until one day she says "no, I'll say it" and proceeds to say the whole thing. 

So, if you're looking for a way to teach scripture to your kids, definitely look into truthcards!

I know she's hard to hear, but she is reciting 2 Corinthians 5:17, Luke 3:11 and Psalm 51:7

Write anyways

Last week was pretty crazy. It culminated in a trip to Dallas on Saturday that's highlight was me completely losing my cool on my 2-year-old in Ikea. Awesome.

One good thing about having kids is that no matter when you get them in bed, they wake up early. I'm calling this good at the moment because that meant that no matter how exhausted we were yesterday from our trip Saturday, we had absolutely no excuse to miss church. This was the second week of having a guest speaker and it was awesome.

The speaker yesterday talked about how God doesn't call you to give out of your excess, he calls you to give from your heart. He calls you to give all. And that God doesn't want just your money; he wants your money, your time and your talent.

Easy, huh?

I have been striving to be more generous lately in all areas of my life, and I was sitting there in church thinking "I'm generous. I'm good on this one". And then I realized that I also want more for myself. More wraps, more clothes, more things for the kids, more... stuff. God kind of slapped me in the face with that one. Would I still give my money if it meant I couldn't eat out whenever I want? Would I give my time if it took away from my precious sleep?

Am I giving out of excess?

I pray that I'm not. I'm asking God to show me the truth of my heart. And I'm writing. Because through my 28 years on this Earth, I have learned that I write to learn. Learn about myself and about God. I write to unscramble my thoughts and put them in logical order. I write to see where I need to go next. God is continuing to show me how important it is for me to write.

So sometimes I might get some comments about my blog that make me want to stop. Stop writing for other people to read. Stop putting myself out there. Stop showing people who I really am. But I'm not going to. I don't know why, but He doesn't want me to stop. I can only pray it's because He's using this small little space for good.

I know the last couple posts have been "deep". I'll try to do something more lighthearted next time :)

Failure and brokeness

Lately, I've felt like a failure. I pray and pray for God to help me to be more patient. More graceful. More loving. More joyful. To help me control my temper. Not be greedy. Man, I pray for a lot of things. Constantly. And yet, I see no fruit. I still yell. I still walk into my bedroom and punch pillows. I still get grumpy, focus on the wrong things, grow frustrated, ask too much and give too little. I fail.

Just a few weeks ago I was crying to a friend "I feel like I am more patient, but my kids are also requiring more patience so I'm still getting angry just as frequently!" I was so angry, so upset. I wanted to bask in my patience for at least a week before them demanding more of me. I wanted to pat myself on the back.

I wanted to feel successful.

Yet over the last few days, God has showed me that I'm not a failure. I'm broken. And those are two completely different things. I'm crying out to Him for help instead of relying on myself. I'm recognizing my sin and addressing it. I'm drawing closer to Him every day and He's showing me the things in my life that need to change.

And that, my friends, is success. However I might appear to the outside world, I recognize that I am not a failure. That I am broken but that I am on the right path. I am learning that it's not about my success, but about what He can do through me. And if I'm broken, He's getting me ready for something. Something big. Something wonderful. Because flowers won't grow if the soil is rock hard. It has to be broken up. So here I am, anticipating what the flowers coming my way might be. While I am focusing on the little details, my failures, He sees the whole story and what this time is preparing me for. And for that, I am grateful.