This is kind of a random post, but it's something I've been struggling with a lot lately and I figured I'd open up my heart a little bit.
My whole life, I knew that I wanted to be a mom. Other life dreams have shifted (case in point: still not sure what I want to be when I "grow up"), but that one has remained consistent. Because of this, I foolishly believed I would enjoy being pregnant. That I would feel beautiful. That I would revel in the attention.
I was wrong. Very wrong. I hate it. There's no other way to describe it. And I feel guilty for hating it. I have easy, safe, low-risk pregnancies. This pregnancy I have only thrown up a few times and my nausea days weren't that bad. So what do I have to hate? I am so blessed to get pregnant easily and to have safe pregnancies. But just because something is true doesn't mean I can change the way that I feel.
So just be aware... if you tell me I look "great", I'm likely to laugh. Don't get me wrong, I need to hear it. Now more than ever before. I have so many strangers commenting on how I must be due any day now that any friendly person telling me how good I look is welcomed. However, I don't really believe you. Because I don't feel like I look good. I think it goes back to my eating disordered OCD days... gaining this much weight is hard for me to do. It's so hard for me to remember that this is what is healthy for my baby.
I wish I could be one of those girls that gains 25 pounds, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I pray that I will be grateful that I'm healthy. To not take these things for granted. I pray that I will remember those around me who struggle through pregnancies. And most of the time it works. But sometimes, I look in the mirror, and one word stares back at me: fat. And that's just some brutal honesty.