Yesterday, I felt the "need" to be social. If we don't have any plans in the afternoon, I typically go for a walk, so I decided to ask a friend to join me. After the fourth friend said that she couldn't, I realized that it wasn't meant to be and headed out for my walk solo. By the time I got home, I knew that my solo walk was God-ordained. He had some things He needed to say to me and I hadn't been giving Him the time to say them.
Lately, things have been pretty rough around here. I've posted about my frustrations with my inability to do it all, about my mama guilt and my utter exasperation with the situation in general. I felt like no matter what I did or how hard I tried that I couldn't get it all done, couldn't meet everyone's needs, couldn't be the mom and wife that I felt I need to be.
Yesterday, God took the opportunity of a quiet walk (well, as quiet as a walk can be with Jade's narration, but that's another story) to whisper a sweet truth into my ear.
I'm not supposed to be enough.
Of course I can't fulfill all my girls' needs. I'm not supposed to. Of course I get frustrated in my desire to do it all. I'm not supposed to do it all. Of course, I get angry and yell despite my desire not to do that. I'm human. Not perfect. And just as I need God's grace to cover the weaknesses in my life, my girls' need it to cover my weaknesses in their lives.
Perhaps they're a bit young to learn this lesson the hard way. Obviously, I do everything I can to show them the Gospel in my words and actions. But it was so refreshing, so freeing, to be reminded that even if I got everything done that I set out to do every day, that I still wouldn't be enough. Because I'm not supposed to be.
In my failings, I can teach my girls that we need to look to God for fulfillment. In the next few years, they'll learn over and over again that mama and daddy will let them down. I hope to use those moments to teach them how to turn to the only One that will never let us down. I hope those moments translate into their teenage years and that they won't look to some silly boy to fulfill them. I hope that when they become a mama themselves that they can look to my example and take comfort in the fact that God's strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. That His grace is sufficient. More than enough.