Monday, April 16, 2012

Mama guilt

The last (almost) 5 months have been quite the adventure. We've had lots of visitors-- grandparents, and my freds-- gone on a road trip and had a lot of days at home where I was cleaning like a madwoman trying to get the house ready to put on the market.

And in that time, I've learned a lot about my kids. One handles change pretty well. One doesn't. I bet you can guess which is which! Jade was a tough baby from the day she was born (she was less than 12 hours old when the hospital's lactation consultant told me she was stubborn!) and Piper started off pretty easy and has just gotten easier.

But that combination comes with a lot of mama guilt. When every transition (changing clothes/diaper being the number one issue currently) with Jade takes a LOT of time, Piper gets left to entertain herself and I feel bad for her. I find myself longing for Jade to be in preschool so that I can have one-on-one time with Piper. I tell myself that neither one of them will remember this time, but I can't help but feel that I'm a failure because neither one of them is getting everything they need.

Jade obviously misses being mama's #1 girl because she has turned into quite the little tyrant. Piper is a baby and needs stimulation and cuddle time, not countless hours staring at the mobile in her sister's crib while I'm fighting Jade into clothes for the day. I realized yesterday that I have basically no control over Jade in certain situations. Unless you count control as grabbing her and carrying her kicking and screaming to a safe spot. Makes me feel like a stellar mama, let me tell you.

But ya know what? I can't be the only one that's gone through this. I think some of my "mama guilt" stems from the fact that so many mama's aren't honest with each other. We don't tell anyone about what goes on behind closed doors- about us losing our tempers, having tantrums of our own, or letting our babies cry for extended periods of time while dealing with other babies. People talk about making muffins with their babies, crafting, and planning elaborate parties but don't talk about the day-to-day crud.

Arguments can be made for either side, but I'm just more of a tell-it-how-it-is gal. So this is me admitting that I don't have a clue what I'm doing most of the time. That I feel like a failure and am just trying to keep myself and my children alive. Are there better days? Sure. Do I actually accomplish things sometimes? Definitely. But yesterday was NOT one of those days and it's left a bitter taste in my mouth. I will try to post about happier things later this week :)

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