Bedtime

Bedtime was a bit rough around here last night. Chuck was at baseball practice, so I was solo-ing it. Generally not a big deal, but Jade needed a little extra... coaxing (diplomatic way of putting it) than normal. I put her in bed, 5 seconds later she was at the door telling me I needed to change her diaper. I pulled her out of the room faster than you can say "poop" so as not to wake Piper. Checked her diaper. No poop. She told me she wanted to go on the potty. I put her on the potty. She leans forward, hands in chin and says "so mom, how you doing?"

I laugh. She giggles. She gets off the potty because by then we have both realized she's just stalling. Back to bed. Asks me to sing "sunshine". Asks me to sing "Jesus loves me". Ask me to sing "another song?" 

My patience is wearing thin. She gives me a big hug and I keep singing. Who knows how long she'll appreciate my voice? I don't give it much longer. 

I stop singing. Tell her I should go. She says "stay in bed mama?" I realize there is nothing more  important in that moment than laying with her. She grabs my hand, kisses it like I do hers. Tries to roll over with my hand still in hers. It hurts. She giggles.

I ask her if she had a good day. She informs me that Abigail's in Virginia. My eyes well with tears as I say, for the 5,000th time since moving here, that "yes, Abigail's in Virginia". She then says "new friends in Oklahoma" and it's nice to know that she is listening and the repetition is paying off. 

I try to treasure every moment. Burn this memory in my brain. Remember her sweet breath, messy curls, little hands, peeling stickers that she won't let me take off. I need these sweet moments to hold on to when she's screaming "no mama! no obey you!" When I am weary from sleep deprivation and emotional fatigue.

She asks me for Mickey. I hand him to her, she tells me goodnight. I take this as my cue to leave...give her a kiss and walk out of the room. Standing in the doorway, staring at my two girls my heart is more full than I ever thought possible. I walk from the room, beginning to cry. Asking God for more... more patience, more rest, more wisdom. More ways to help them feel safe and secure in this world that is so unsafe and insecure.

I tell myself I'm doing the best I can. Giving them all I can. But it's not true. I fail-daily. I'm selfish- daily. So I resolve, again, to start over. Start fresh. Tomorrow is a new day. And ya know what? If I lose my patience in the first 5 minutes of being awake, the next 5 minutes are a new 5 minutes. What better way to show my girls that we all need forgiveness than by showing them that mama's not perfect?

But right now, I choose to remember my sweet girl, clutching her blanky and my hand. Curling her back into me and showing me, in every way she knows how, that she loves me. And I pray to God that she knows how much I love her back.